The Queen of comedy

I was in a shitty place when I stumbled across one of her stories.

My wife had left me for her Gynecologist a few months before, and I couldn’t help but think, “That prick had all the pussy in town but still had to steal mine.” What a piece of shit.

I guess I was kind of a moron because I never questioned her need to see him once a week. What woman needs to see her Gynecologist once a week, for fuck sake; as far as I know, she only has one pussy.

My ego…


A need for justice

He didn’t plan on watching it burn, but he couldn’t help himself.

The plan was to get the fire started, then escape back the way he’d come; across the frozen pond to the small park, which opened onto Water street, and then three blocks south to the small side street where he’d left the car. But as he got to the edge of the pond, he turned back to look at the fire and couldn’t leave. He needed to watch it burn, but most of all, he wanted to hear their screams.

His thoughts were consumed by revenge as the…


The colour of milk chocolate

The joyful sound of Children laughing was comforting in some way. They were playing in the park beside the restaurant, chasing the ducks as their parents chased them.

It was another perfect summer day in a perfect small town. The sounds of quacking ducks and happy children filled the air as a blue sky dotted with marshmallow clouds painted a tapestry overhead. The scent of lilacs wafting up from the park mixed with the smell of baked goods being pulled from the ovens enveloped the patio and brought back memories of happier times.

It was one of those days when…


What really matters

“Bull riders face their fears by riding them,” that’s my mantra, and it’s been playing on a loop in my brain for the last twenty minutes.

Everything I’ve gone through for the last fourteen months has led me here. The pain, the recovery, the fear, the fight to stand up and walk again has all led me to this moment.

I don’t have much time to get my shit together as the new kid, the star, Tommy Darcy, is already climbing into the chute, and I’m next. …


You must believe

It was almost fifty years ago, but we still celebrated the anniversary of that day every year. It was the day our village was saved. Some people called it a miracle, but I knew better because I was the one that made it happen.

But there wouldn’t be any celebrations this year as just like fifty years ago it hasn’t rained in almost two months. If it didn’t rain soon, the crops would die in the fields, and many would lose their farms. Nobody was in any mood to celebrate.

It all started the year I turned twelve. He said…


And a question we ask at every hard moment in our lives; why?

I’ve questioned my existence countless times over the twenty-three thousand days that I’ve inhabited this body. It all began a little over sixty-two years ago when I was just a twinkle in my parent’s eyes and a longing in their hearts. They wanted what every young couple wanted at that time; a child.

I wasn’t an only child, but I was the first, and I would hold that over my brother and sister many times in my younger years.

If there’s one thing I’ve learned in my life, it’s this; life is full of change; entries, exits and re-entries that…


The day I became a lucky man

Twenty-nine hours, that’s how long the trip took; 43 years, that’s how long it took me to find her. One day is how long it took to know that she was the one.

I was born in St. John’s, Newfoundland, on April 10–1959, but my life began in Guangzhou, China, on Friday, September 13–2002. Some say that Friday the 13th is an unlucky day, but I disagree as that’s the day that I became known as “Lucky man.”

I jumped at the opportunity when my boss asked me to join our control tech, John, on a trip to China to…


Kicked in the rear and a Chlamydia scare

Memories of Australia

“It was the best of times; it was the worst of times.” Yeah, I know it’s a grand opening; too bad I borrowed it from a great writer. But, I believe Dickens would have chuckled to see me use it in a story about being kicked by a horny Kangaroo and pissed on by a Koala.

Several years ago, before the company I worked for threw me out with the garbage, they sent me on a trip to Australia to repair some machinery. As I live in Toronto, Canada, and it was mid-February at the time, I couldn’t wait to…


Awakening

This is the private journal of

Samuel Clemens

April 20/ 2032

It’s been three days since my last entry. I’ve been tied up for a couple of days. When I say “Tied up,” I mean it literally as that’s the way I woke up yesterday; Tied to a bed with an intravenous drip in my arm.

Panic set in, even before I opened my eyes, as I quickly realized I couldn’t move my arms or legs. My senses went to full-on mode as I opened my eyes and saw I was alone in a small room. …


EDEN

This is the private journal of

Samuel Clemens

April 16/ 2032- continued.

Fifteen years have passed since the asteroid glanced off our atmosphere, causing the radiation fallout that decimated the male population. After three years of being a sperm slave to Carla and her followers, we’re finally free.

Six days ago, twenty of us men were freed from the milking compound by our saviour, Lina Su, and twenty-five other women who held the same believes as her. …

Gerald Holmes

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